Today

I’ve often wondered if I’ve ever been truly happy. It seems as though the might of struggle has sought to destroy me at times. For all I’ve been through I sometimes wonder if I’m a survivor or just plain unlucky.
I have at times thought I was doing something wrong, actually, more times than I care to say.
One of the things that has helped me a lot is being of the belief that this was all written into my pre-birth plan. Noone has corroborated it as yet, and I haven’t had my Akashic records read. It feels heartwarming though, knowing that I am not a victim of circumstance, but rather a child of the universe as the song goes, no less than the trees and the stars, I have a right to be here.

The other thought I have at times is “What awful thing I must have done in my last life, to get this much karma?” It doesn’t bear thinking about because who knows I could have been a witch or a high priestess.
I prefer the numbness of the mind to the travail of overthinking, although they say we have three tracks of thought in our minds two of which we are unaware of. That is unless we go into meditation and slow our thoughts down completely. It’s kind of the place I am trying to be right now. That, and allowing my curious mind to explore all adventures with the afterlife, stargazers, mediums, and the like.

I was told by the church not to follow any of these things because the bible says so. Like a good church girl, I did what I was told and didn’t consult soothsayers.
Lately, though, I feel that the planets, the stars, and otherworldly beings do impact our lives. It has freed me to find so many happy places beyond this earth and my body.

But I haven’t come to any conclusions about being happy as yet. Perhaps my body lacks certain enzymes that produce happiness or maybe I didn’t get enough nourishment from my environment. I can blame it on the unlucky star I was born under, or my parents. If they were here, they might apologize for not having let me be the person I was supposed to be and not loving me the way I needed to be loved. I came here for a purpose, to learn certain things, and to evolve into something beautiful but it is a process. I’m pretty sure that I selected my parents before I was born, so it’s on me to make peace with them.

I’m learning to love what life really is beyond our present understanding of it.
Perhaps I need to learn to separate the body, to free the mind, and to think with my heart.

My vibration has been awfully low lately because as you can guess, I am busy watching the state of the world as it implodes on itself. Knowing there are people somewhere being slaughtered daily and others going hungry doesn’t make for much happiness. It is my hope that those leaving the planet right now to return to the light can help us Earthlings become better humans. I do believe it is possible.
The channelers say it is possible, we need to remember that we are becoming the true light of ourselves, conjoined with all the light that lights up the world. We are not separate.

So, I will let the darkness cleanse me of my deep fears and let the moon shake me out of this unhappiness, even if it is only for a moment.
The night will gather me in a tender cloak of stillness and when the morning comes
I will know that I have died and risen again.

Then, I had this sudden thought today “How much time do we have left?”
but that’s for the day after tomorrow…