Freedom day
The pitch darkness of the early morning
swallows me whole almost every day
I can't fight the pain.
I have to wallow in it.
I get up and make coffee
"Bright eyes" plays on the radio
reminding me of its sorrowful words...
"bright eyes..how can you close and fail"
It's freedom day
32 years ago we were newly married
and we stood in a long line
that snaked around the scout hall in Mowbray.
And we voted!
It was a very exciting day.
Not only was our life together beginning
but we felt the same way about
the freedom of our nation
and its people..
Today I celebrated with a chicken pie
which I ate at 10:30 in the morning,
something you refused to do.
You always had set times to eat
I now eat when I’m hungry
I break your rules often
though your voice is still in my head…
I refuse to say you're gone
even though you haven't visited me yet
in my dreams,
and just so you know
I'm still holding that space..
I still feel you and Stevie around me every day.
some people may not understand that
but it’s okay
I don’t expect them to.
Butterflies follow me around
so you must be near.
I talk to you,
like a crazy lady
sometimes in my head
sometimes out-loud when I'm driving
I even swear a bit at times
I know you can hear me!!
I'm just waiting for you
to make an appearance
however that works for you…
Getting plunged into darkness every morning
seems to be unavoidable
so I just have to lie in bed
and wait for the sun
and it always appears
moving across my room like a welcome friend
Even if it's cloudy,
it's the light that brings me back to life
with infusions of hope..
I force myself to go to places
like yesterday I went to the street skateboard jam.
I anticipated it would be hard
because you weren’t with me this year.
Then I think that maybe it’s starting to feel
like it’s getting easier to go places on my own,
but I dare not say that
because being so well versed in grief
I know how grief ambushes me when least expected.
It’s brutal
and I try not to have too many expectations.
Yet I've been surprised by friendship
and love
and grace
along the way…
I was yesterday!
I take a pill sometimes
when the anxiety gets too much
but I'm afraid of becoming dependent.
Life feels so hard
I can't make decisions
all I’m doing for now is trying to survive
But sometimes I really
don't want to survive!!
I try to surrender
but the future looms gigantically in front of me
The trees crowd me out,
the water tank overflows
and the wind rattles me timbers
But rain is surely a blessing
I say out loud
so that whoever is listening can hear.
Lately I've been saying the *ho’ponopono prayer
over and over
and it calms me.
Even though Grief barges through my door everyday
whether I want it to or not
haunting me in the dark hours
I am still breathing.
I’m also trying to reinvent myself.
It’s as though I was someone else then
when you were an earthling.
I depended on you to keep conversations going
now I have to do it myself
and all that other stuff you did…
I search out grace every single moment
of every day
just to prove to myself
that life is still worth living.
The time lords remind me of my worth
even though I’m often not sure of it myself.
Desmond Tutu said “Hope is being able to see that there is light
despite all the darkness”.
and I think I can at least do that!
*Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, directly translating to "to make right" or "to correct". It involves a four-phrase mantra—"I am sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you"—designed to heal internal negative emotions, take 100% responsibility, and clear subconscious blocks to achieve inner peace…